- August 27th, 2001
It has been a very long week. I have been really stressed for many reasons. Volleyball would be the most dramatic. I am playing for HCCC this year and it was a bitch to just get on the team. My knee is holding me back from playing my best and if anyone knows, a athletic gets very frustrated when something brings down there calaber of playing. i try my hardest and it feels like I keep getting more hurt in the long run. I ice it every night and kill it everyday in practice. These f*cking 6hr practices are killing me and my life. i just don't think that I want tp be the athlete that my father and everyone wants me to be. They tell me that am good but that just doesn't make me want to play. I have played since I was in 5th grade thats a very long time and I really don't think that volleyball is that important.
That is one of my delimas lately. College is the next fiasco. I have 18 credits this semester just so I can graduate this spring. Yah graduating at 18 years old is awesome but alot of F*cking pressure. i just don't understand why I put all of this on me. Maybe it is becasue my sister always had the best of everything the grades, the money, everything. But I can't blam it on her just because I can't be like her. I just feel like I have to be better than her to gain any f*cking respect in my family. I have earned alot by going to college early and still handeling my own apartment but it still seems like I am falling short. So I guess in my own way I have to prove to myself that I can do everything and still be the person that everyone wants me to be.
Of course that isn't the end of my problems. i have stress from my family and my boyfriend. Andy told me last night while we were in bed that he thought that I would find a better man that would treat me better and that I would leave him. That came off as he wants me to find someone and leave him. It just seems that everynight we are fighting or he is whining like a two year old. i love him and I thought I proved that by being with him for so long. Byut I guess not. I try to be there for him with work but I have work, volleybal, college, bills along with trying to please everyone. My father is worried about me and he should be I just don't know what to do. A year ago I felt like I had security a place that i could just be me. living her in my apartment is a difficult adventure. It isn't like dad can do everything for me and make sure that I don't f*ck up. It is all on me. I don't know if I am ready for this right now eather.
I guess I just want everyone to understand that I am trying the best that I can and that I just want to be me for a while. The person that always partied and was there for everyone at any time. I am frustrated and it makes me even phisicaly sick sometimes. i just want what every person wants, a chance to f*ck up, the chance to have fun. Basically a chance to live, beccause I haven't had a chance to experience that yet.